Hey Hollywood, stop urinating on my childhood.

Hey Hollywood, stop urinating on my childhood.

I’m a child of the 80’s. As such I hold my 80’s pop culture up on a pedestal. Now I admit, I have not recently played with or watched any of the toys/TV shows that I loved so much from back then but that’s by choice. Seeing those toys and shows in the present would be like the harsh reality light being switched on at a club when  you’re dancing with a “hot” girl or guy. Leave it off. Don’t take away the magic.

It’s different for Hollywood. They pay a couple hundred million dollars to turn that light on in the high hopes of getting a few hundred million dollars back. Who can blame them. The normal Maserati GT is way too plebeian. You simply MUST have the S version. And that S don’t pay for itself.

I’m all for pop revival movies. But here’s the thorn in my shoe. With 200 million dollars and all the film making talent in the world at your disposal, BATTLESHIP is the best you can do?! Battleship was one of my favourite games as a kid. I got it for Christmas one year. It came in a HUGE box & just seeing the wrapped box dwarfing all other presents under the tree was enough for me to let out a little Christmas wee when I saw it. Now my memory maybe a little foggy, but I sure as hell don’t remember ALIEN ROBOTS as part of the game.

Hollywood has been urinating on my childhood for quite a long time. But it seems the end of flow signal of the piss-drop-shake is never gonna come.

To be fair, the toy to movie transition started quite well. Back in 1985 Paramount released ‘Clue’ – a movie based on the Hasbro game Cluedo (it’s ‘Cluedo’ here in the UK, but ‘Clue’ in the US). You know “It was Professor Plum in the kitchen with a candlestick!” – that game.


The movie was pretty good! Tim Curry & Christopher Lloyd – were in it, who are always a good watch. The movie even had 3 different endings dependent on which cinema you saw it in to mirror the game. Pretty damn good way of ensuring repeat views.


Sadly after Clue – Hollywood lost it. We were served poo on a platter with the He-Man movie ‘Masters Of The Universe’ . Where was Ram Jam? Trap Jaw? or even Prince Adam or Battlecat for that matter?


Dungeons & Dragons circa 2000? Hmmm, I missed that one. Just as I passed on the D&D craze when I was a kid. But looking back I should have signed up. The D&D kids always got the kooky girlfriends.

Transformers was a massive let down for me. As soon as I read that ‘Bumblebee’ would be a Chevy Camaro instead of a Volkswagen Beetle due to a movie tie in with General Motors – I was out.

Gi Joe:Rise of Cobra was a sham. Bar the names, it held nothing true to the Gi Joe universe. Too slick, too shiny and too over the top. I would have loved to have seen a cinematic Gi Joe universe with one foot in reality. (If Nolan can do it for Batman why can’t someone do it for the Joes?)

The on again, off again ‘Thundercats’ movie seems like a bad girlfriend that won’t go away. Early last year there was some ‘leaked’ CGI footage of it latest manifestation. And watching the footage, it seems like Hollywood dodged a bullet with that one.

Leaked Thundercats on YouTube

So soon we’ve got the Battleship movie coming up and after that we’ll have movies based on Monopoly, Clue (again), Candyland, Ouija, Magic: The Gathering and Stretch Armstrong. All part of the 6 year deal Hasbro has with Universal. Stretch Armstrong is already in development with Taylor Lautner pegged to play the stretchy one. (I though Stretch was made out of rubber not wood?)

Out of that lot of games I think you could do some great things with Monopoly, Ouija and as already tested, Clue. Let’s just hope that Hollywood sorts out it’s bladder problem by then.

Posted by on February 17, 2012 in Film Bl-Analysis

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